Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years

nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black

What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.

What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.

*cough*

Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.

Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.

God: it could be worse.

Sea Turtle: how?

God: tell him crab.

Crab: my legs are delicious.

God: [nods] his legs are delicious.

ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing

[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages

I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”

Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.

Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺

No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.

james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on

Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?

Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.

Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.

Me:

If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.

*walks up to bouncer*

“sorry pal, this is a private country club”

*peeks inside*

[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]

*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”

Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.

Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?

Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…

Me: YES!

I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet

Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work

“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”

– people with stupid names

[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist

warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?

me: yes, a final film

warden: ok, what do you want to watch

me: *smiles wide* the neverending story

[107 minutes later]

me: ok, that’s bullshit

When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”

Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.