Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”

Service is way better.

Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife

Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.

Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.

Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*

If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist

The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.

True

The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax

lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.

me: what was the hearing for?

lawyer: WHAT?

me: the hearing.

lawyer: WHAT?

Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.

I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.

I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”

He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”

We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead

SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?

DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer

SON: what aisle?

DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?

Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.

idk flipping houses looks really hard

the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing

“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.

It do be feeling this way.

Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.

me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?

sean bean: you want my autograph or not?

me: I do, shawn bawn.

Told someone what city I live in.

“Oh are you married to a doctor?”

“No. My husband is though.”

If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.

I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker

A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.

#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes

“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”

* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox

It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.

Really bruh?

*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!