The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
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One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
The FAA has shut down airspace over Ferguson, which must be to stop the problem of people rioting and looting in the sky. #FergusonDecision
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
An army of pandas descends on a fortress of evil trolls. The pandas are soft, cuddly, & deadly. It’s the most adorable massacre in history.
Tonight I’ll actually go to bed on time and get sleep!
the most money ever paid for a cow at an auction was $1.3 million
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
I do feel bad for some of you who complain about all the unwanted attention you get on Twitter. Maybe you should try notepad, or word.