CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
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Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia