CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
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Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..