Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after dinner]

Me: I can’t eat another bite.

Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*

watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it

Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒

Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks

Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?

Me: No

B: Tell me our company policy

M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober

A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.

If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.

He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”

She: “Prove it.”

He: *Plays Call of Duty*

Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.

The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.

[during sex]

her: call me names

me: george

I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.

In the bathroom:

Me: *Meticulously manscapes*

Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”

“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect

Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.

I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant

Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.

me: do you know what sarcasm is?

daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father

me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…

Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.

Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.

Just didn’t want it to be a cop.

From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done

[antique store]

customer: I want something new for my living room

me: do… do you know what antique means

“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”

– Airbnb owners, probably

Fabio hasn’t aged a day

14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?

Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.

The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.

it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk

It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.

Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists

Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.