@andlikelaura

Cat 911: what’s your emergency

Cat: my human is bleeding to death!

911: stay calm. what happened

Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her

911:

Cat:

911: hahahaha

Cat: hahahaHA

Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA

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@MelissaDawn1974

Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.

@Brampersandon_

ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why

ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in

@MrsGagaGarcia

He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.

I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.

@mattewe02

walking thru ikea thinking how friggin pricey vowels must be playing wheel of fortune in sweden

@baseballchickie

I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!

I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.

@ixSEANxi

Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I’ve only done that with pizza

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.