Cat 911: what’s your emergency

Cat: my human is bleeding to death!

911: stay calm. what happened

Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her



911: hahahaha

Cat: hahahaHA

Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA

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Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.


ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why

ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in


He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.

I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
2. Stop calling me that.


walking thru ikea thinking how friggin pricey vowels must be playing wheel of fortune in sweden


I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!

I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.


Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I’ve only done that with pizza


I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.