Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
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Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar