Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.

If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby

Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner

Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times

On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.

Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.

Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”

Me: “I said that?”

Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.

How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what

Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes

me: I need a really lengthy snake

pet shop guy: how many feet?

me: none

When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.

Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?

Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.

For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.

SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?

Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?

It’s a hole series.

If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.

[first Craigslist transaction]

Seller: so

Buyer: yeah

Seller: do…do I kill you ?

Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather

Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.

Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.

I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!

7yo: I’m Coach Tommy

Coach: No wait…

Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!

*the whole team cheers*

Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.

Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.

Really bad spell of wether.

me: *using chocolate coins as currency*

clerk: those are not legal tender

me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth

[6 PM]

Tween:

[7 PM]

Tween:

[8 PM]

Tween:

[9 PM]

Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…

Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended