Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas

“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.

My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”

Holy shit, I married my father

If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.

[interview]

BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?

a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.

Farmer: These two chickens share a nest

No one:

Me: Would you call that cooperation?

Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?

Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.

My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭

The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.

In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.

ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building

14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?

Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.

me: where do I pay

doctor: on your way out

me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral

Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep

The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:

How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed

ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff

My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.

My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect

think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you

I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.

HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?

[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”

Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.

They’re millennial falcons.

UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality

NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.

Confused yet?

Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD

After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.

Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer

Friend: Arsenal?

Me: No, just the front