Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
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What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.