Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.

*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*

Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it

*accidentally click on internet explorer*

Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-

him: hands up, this is a robbery!

me *looks around* it’s actually a bank

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

#ThisMakesMeLaugh

[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?

When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot

Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.

Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.

Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.

*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs

once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them

*being abducted by aliens*

Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?

Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned

[NASCAR Press Conference]

REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?

DRIVER: Fast circles

Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry

I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.

Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”

I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.

I think I may need professional help…

A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!

Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”

Me: “So how does that make you feel?”

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news

have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…

I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.

You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?

Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning

This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁