Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?

That’s how I’m handling adulthood.

Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows

“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”

[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine

“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”

You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.

Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this

thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider

Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?

Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.

I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”

I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything

*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*

“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome

DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*

A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.

Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people

“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”

I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.

[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]

Me: oh I love these!

Them: *goes to light it for me*

Me: *already eating it*

Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early

Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.

Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.

Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.

(genuine human laughter)

*discretely picks a booger*

*slyly wipes it on her blouse*

Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.

I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…

I had a tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine

HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.

To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now