Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.

If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich

Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.

[God & his assistant making giraffes]

ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?

*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*

Her: What’s your fantasy?

Me: Sexy nurse!

H: Meet me in the bedroom.

[10 minutes later]

*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*

M: Uh.

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.

Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers

Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.

My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””

Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no

[having sex]

Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.

Her in her head: This could have been an email.

Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off

<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.

It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think

I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.

Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.

Wife: sum.

Me: human parts; four letters.

Wife: body.

Me: upon a time; four letters.

Wife: once.

Me: to pay; four letters.

Wife: toll.

Me: 90’s slang; three letters.

Wife: duh.

Me: refer to myself; two letters.

Wife: me.

This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10

Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”

what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”

[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]

Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?

Him: ya that’s fine!

*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*

Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe

*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday

the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old

🤣😂🤣😂

Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar

My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?

Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.

Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.

I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.