Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead

[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body

Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.

That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….

Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.

Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?

My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏

Me: You have bruises??

Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.

My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.

I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.

just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??

Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later

can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”

My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”

I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”

Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?

The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.

the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.

turns out he just wanted apple sauce

I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!

I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.

Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.

Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.

I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.

Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.

I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

[funeral home]

DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.

A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.

If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…

[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]

[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?