[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
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if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.