[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
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the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
It was worth a shot 😂
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.