Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.

Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.

I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.

I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back

I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches

When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..

Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.

the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go

Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.

I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.

What’s a second date like?

Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.

I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.

Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you

no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french

College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.

Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.

I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged

[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog

Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.

My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?

[Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue

My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…

Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?

Me: I need printer ink.

How To Be A Parent

Step 1: have a child

Step 2: your guess is as good as mine

If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.