Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.

I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”

I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!

I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.

Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more

I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.

Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here

Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.

grampa: why are u always on ur phone

me: why didn’t u stop hitler

Her: How pathetic can you be?

Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.

*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON

[In emergency room]

mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?

dr. frankenstein: 75,000.

My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.

Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.

Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again

January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me

shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés

[slowly removing special glasses]

Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing

Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here

Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this

The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.

4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.

Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.

doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?

me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim

i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed