Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.

Parenting is easy

I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.

Me: How are you?

Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?

Me: I can and do.

Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold

*cue explosion*

PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN

*fade to black*

I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*

Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice

I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!

If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too

Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?

Me: As many free office supplies as possible.

Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.

looking at weird sushi roll names and uh

If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing

My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.

A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day

Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.

I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.

Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.

Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.

Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading

Me: When the edibles kick in

Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif

Me: Exactly

Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye

*jogging*

Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up

Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*

What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?

please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.

#parenting

Before carbs: Hates everyone

After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat

him: does this pillow feel lumpy

me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me

Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.