Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
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OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!