Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Will he ever wake up?”

He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*

*patient wakes up to turn off the music*

M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos

H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee

Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.

“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”

HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.

Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd

Them: Mr. Scholl-

Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR

Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s

My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard

Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.

Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.

Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”

the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth

me: a lot of people are saying that

Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.

Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.

*Organizing closet*

Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?

Me: Oh, just put it with the others.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond

‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’

and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose

How does a mule unlock a door?

With a don-key.

#MuleDay #RubbishJokes

Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.

I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.

establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you

If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.

She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups

If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.

I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.

At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

her: can you pick up the house

me: *putting on back brace* I can try

If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why

Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ

Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it

There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.