Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure

[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something

I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick

[home schooling, day 1]

Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.

[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me

choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb

King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?

King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping

Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now

Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.

Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.

dr: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

dr: so how often is that?

me: *turning to 12* when were you born?

*watches Charlotte’s Web*

Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror

Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck

I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂

Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.

*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!

My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.

A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.

My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.

Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine

Single in your 20s: help your friends move

Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends

I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”

Me: goodnight son I love you.

3yo:

Me: I said I love you.

3yo: I love milk.

Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*

“Do you have any children?”

Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”

How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.

Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel

My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.

Most of the time.

Once in a while.

Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.

Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.

[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.