Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
You Might Also Like
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date