Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”

I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”

tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism

who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens

ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]

WIFE: What are you training for?

ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking

When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.

She meant goals

“That’s so cool,” she lied.

“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”

Guys named Geoff.

We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.

I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly

ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time

HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office

Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week

I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.

[shopping for school supplies with kids]

7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?

Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*

Kids: yuk

Husband: *makes pancakes*

Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy

This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.

Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!

Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️

Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?

Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy

Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.

power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention

“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”

{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.

My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!

Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.

Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom

I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.

All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.

Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.