Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
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[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.