Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?

i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn

HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”

I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.

I’m sorry but I strongly disagree

ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.

I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect

When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.

Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes

Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.

Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.

Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work

Him: I-

Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER

me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure

Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok

I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.

My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.

[first day working in a restaurant]

me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*

cat: *reads sign*

me: oh no

Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.

I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:

dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese

I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

Me: Eat your dinner.

6: But my belly hurts.

Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.

6: But I’ll feel better then.

Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high

Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*

What’s that?

“It’s my pet rock.”

Why does it look sad?

DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.

Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.

I’m ready to try another planet.

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.

Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.

BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add

[first time at church]

me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups