@toomanytoes

Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables

Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am

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@EmilyZDavis

I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma

@man_spach

Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?

@mccormick_ted

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting

@1evilidiot

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

@sincir3000

Boss: tomorrow is pajama day at work.
Me: I don’t wear pajamas
B: just wear whatever you sleep in
M: ok, you asked for it.

@IamJackBoot

If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.

@OverlyManlyMann

Everyday, millions of plants are killed by vegetarians. Help stop the violence. Eat a steak.