Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
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The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”