Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?

Dear hiring manager,

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

If poetry is dead, then explain this:

I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.

Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.

If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.

I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.

Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.

[alternate universe]

cows on a road-trip: look a car!

No one:

Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:

Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years

I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will

*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*

ME: hell yeah

13: hell yeah, the classics

*clicks the radio OFF*

ME: you’re grounded

*gets pulled over*

Do you know how fast you were going?

*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*

Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.

There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.

supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic

“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”

Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.

My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.

“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.

astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars

mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-

astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars

mission control: shit

My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.

Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.

fedex guy: here’s your package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.

How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.

Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.

Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?

Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.

Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?

McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words

Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds

I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”

are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.