Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.

You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE

You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.

Every family has a crazy aunt.

Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.

By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.

-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable

Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.

My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size

I wanna be friends with this person

Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.

boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ

HER: have you decided where you’re going to live

ME: I’m still on the fence

HER: that’s why I asked

[High school reunion]

Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”

Me: “You told me to never change.”

Apple is releasing new product information today.

That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.

CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*

People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.

The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”

Me:

Exhausted Parent PSA-

The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.

Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.

me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*

9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad

@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂

When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.

Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.

reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”

Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.

I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.

And bowling should be called pinball

Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff

Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

Professor X: So what’s your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.

Me: I’m completely ok with that.