Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in

Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?

7-year-old: Donuts.

Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”

Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity

The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.

*watch tv in separate rooms.

When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”

Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.

If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.

is it just me or are we all a little bit disappointed whenever they lift a tsunami warning

Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.

WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.

We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids

A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*

I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.

My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.

“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”

What do we want?

“A TIME MACHINE.”

When do we want it?

Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!

Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either

I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.

[crane rental company]

Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this

Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?

Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.

Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.

Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.

THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP

“No”

WE WON’T ASK AGAIN

“No”

Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again

How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.

At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*