Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.

Her: Don’t you have a child?

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.

You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both

Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women

Him: I like it when a girl growls at me

My stomach: *growls*

Him: not like that

I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.

[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”

OKAY DAD

Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.

My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.

every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car

[Whoville]

Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks

Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess

Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit

Me: Seems harsh

Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him

Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying

Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?

Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it

I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.

Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this

Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius

You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?

COME ON KRUSE #fencing

[Fancy Restaurant]

Host: May I take the lady’s coat?

Me: Please.

Host: And yours sir?

Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.

You have an IOS update.

Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.

my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool

You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof

Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages

My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.

All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.

That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.

The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten