Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

“Next time can you make something I like?”

*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch

It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.

Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.

A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees

Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.

[Date]

Me: tell me about yourself

Her: I’m really vegan

Me: oh no

Her: and I have a kid

Me: oh no

Her: his name is Kale

Me: ohhh noo

My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.

I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day

ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit

Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.

ME: make every guy afraid of me

GENIE: as u wish

ME: (a tampon): son of a

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.

I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)

Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.

Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December

[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”

I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.

if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends

Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit

On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.

Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.

Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord

Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?

hide the Elf on the Shelf while you’re drunk so it can be a searching game for both you & the kids the next morning

A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story

My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?