[after frodo throws the ring into the volcano]
VOLCANO: omg yes!
FRODO: i love you
VOLCANO: i love you too
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
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Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
It’s actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.
My friend’s organising a football match and asked if I’d like to make up the numbers. I suggested squix hundring and nankety noof.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
I don’t think I could be a mom. Listening to another person cry all night just seems awful & I wouldn’t want to impose that on a baby.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
[doctor gets job as 911 operator]
“What’s your emergency?”
MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE
“Hmm ok let’s wait a few weeks and see how it is then”