[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
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Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.