@TheToddWilliams

[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*

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@trojansauce

[after frodo throws the ring into the volcano]
FRODO: well?
VOLCANO: omg yes!
FRODO: i love you
VOLCANO: i love you too

@GrillinChillin9

Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

@ddsmidt

People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.

Both seem so much better before you take them home.

@Shock_Monster

It’s actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.

@MooseAllain

My friend’s organising a football match and asked if I’d like to make up the numbers. I suggested squix hundring and nankety noof.

@CulturedRuffian

Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.

[ working from home ]

Me:

@morgan_murphy

I don’t think I could be a mom. Listening to another person cry all night just seems awful & I wouldn’t want to impose that on a baby.

@TheHyyyype

WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today

ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school

@The_Mentalyst

I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.

@NicestHippo

[doctor gets job as 911 operator]

“What’s your emergency?”

MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE

“Hmm ok let’s wait a few weeks and see how it is then”