[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
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*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Just this preview of the story is enough
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
😾
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?