Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
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GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
They’re stuck in your pants?
Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles