Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
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Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
kids play hide and seek like
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.