Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
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satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?