Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
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Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.