Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
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”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)