[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
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this meeting could have been a push down the stairs
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?