Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.

don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay

Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.

Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.

Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]

[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]

*you’re

God: *creates oceans*

Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL

God: Get out

Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*

This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.

I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.

Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*

Friend: Bad breakup?

Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.

[Hair Salon]

Stylist: What would you like?

Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.

“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”

Me: Sees Video

Me: Checks Internet

Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.

Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it

Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.

Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?

Fred: Um, ya, whatever.

After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.

If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed

I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.

SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.

WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen

I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….

*checks notes*

…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?

the avengers: “the city is saved”

the city:

[drive thru window]

[apologize to homeowners]

A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.

Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.

Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?

Me: yes. Molotov, please.