Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.

Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.

My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.

I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea

I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.

His name was Pikup Andropov.

the duality of man

Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.

If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.

[at quick clinic]

Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?

Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.

[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*

how to have an accident 101

[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]

[Studying for his history test]

10: I wish I was born in the 1800s

Me: Why?

10: I’d have less history to learn

Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.

Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that

[Later in bedroom]

Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?

Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!

Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.

Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine

“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”

*fireworks go off outside*

*opens window*

I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE

GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.

US: That used to be a Blockbuster.

KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.

Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.

A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.

You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.

getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it

Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.