Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called

They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.

[police stakeout]

me: suspect spotted

partner: again, that’s a dalmation

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit

I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.

Long job application should let me clock in to finish them

My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.

Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?

Me: Get?

@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.

the way this pissed me off… 😭

We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids

[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,

I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.

[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid

Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me

They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.

my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town

When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark

My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.

I mean…but I did

I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove

A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.

Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe

I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.

My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot

Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”

I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.

Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.