cat faces on other animals, a thread
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It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun