Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.

If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.

I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.

Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?

Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.

Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.

“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?

Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.

Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?

Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit

[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit

to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.

I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.

{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}

me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT

SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.

Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet

Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.

When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?

Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”

Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”

“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies

My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow

Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes

If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily

Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.

I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction

You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees

[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year

…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.

Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.

I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.

You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people

If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.