Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?

You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”

“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”

15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now

My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol

Priest: That’s your eulogy?

*updates tinder bio*

OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao

Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.

Meanwhile in Heaven…

Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.

I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”

My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.

So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?

*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.

heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt

heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat

When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already

instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..

You sit there and think about what you’ve done

-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight

i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime

Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.

Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?

In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.

“Laura, can you come and let me out?”

Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done

Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon

Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.

Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.

Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE

[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet

I like to keep my wife guessing by walking around the backyard carrying a ladder and a chainsaw.

My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:

Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠