Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
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girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
All I want in life is a regular status report about Keira Knightley called the Knightley News.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.
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