Cat got your tongue? Frog in your throat? Monkey on your back? Butterflies in your stomach? You may be dead in a field.

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My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.


yo i hate honors college boys i just asked this guy “hey why aren’t koalas considered bears?” and he hits me with “they’re marsupials” shut up nerd the answer to the joke is “they don’t have the koalafications”


When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”


“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish


Problem: I hate peeing alone, sleeping, & nobody talks to me about random nonsense

Solution: kids


Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves


Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts

Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts


my favorite 15th century artist? definitely uh [thinking of the ninja turtles but trying to not pick an obvious one] master splinter