Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.

Person: *yelling at me*

Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better

Person: *abruptly shutting up*

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

Nothing sucks more than a Monday.

Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!

15: ‘What’s it like being married?’

Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’

[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”

DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*

Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.

Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?

An owl showing some catlike behavior.

All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.

We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.

ME: Colman Domingo would make a great Hermes in the Hadestown movie

GUY WHO I’M TRAPPED IN A CAVE WITH: cool but I meant ideas about how we get out of this cave

Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough

[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.

If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.

A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE

Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.

After ten years of marriage I’ve realized that I also need a wife to take care of me.

Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.

*offers Batman cough drops*

I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.

[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline

me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?

court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here