Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.

Me:

Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…

Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.

Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics

“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”

“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.

Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.

biblically accurate fire hydrant

Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control

Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster

Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today

Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah

Boss: My office please

Me: Ooooh

Boss: Not like that

How can you tell a vampire has the virus?

He’ll be coffin.

An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away

I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew

I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.

Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.

Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this

Therapist: actually you absolutely are

“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”

Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now

Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.

Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.

Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..

Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)

It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.

[First day as a surgeon]

Me: Oops…..

[Last day as surgeon]

Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!

Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.

I need to wipe.

“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves

Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭

Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.