Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.

I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.

Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling

My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.

He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her

I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.

Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier

Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel

texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”

Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%

Friend: Are you on social media?

Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.

Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]

Dog: You gonna eat that?

If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.

I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.

funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings

its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??

He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!

Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.

The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.

Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.

*offers Batman cough drops*

Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”

I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them

Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.

What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?

Starchy and Husk

remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*

None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.

[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.

[dark movie theater]

me: *opens soda can*

them:

me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*

them: Shhhh

me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*

The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.

Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take

Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.