Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Last day in prison]

*Walks up to the biggest guy*

Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.

[text]

Her: I picked up buffalo wings.

Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting

If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

[Mom group]

New mom: My six-month-old is teething.

My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.

My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health

Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower

I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.

fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake

me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?

fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?

Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.

Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two….

I’m still laughing .

I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.

“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”

a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods

seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else

The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family

What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?

[McDonald’s drive thru]

ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke

HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?

Some people are glistening beacons of nope.

You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.

Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.

Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!

[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married

Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-

Romeo: LIFE

Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?

so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink