Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it

Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks

Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.

A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now

I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?

St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously

Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses

My dog: she’s my support person

*seductively eats two tums*

International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.

[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]

Server: Sir, please

Me: I didn’t say when yet

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.

PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.

You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!

Canadian Oneupmanship

Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.

911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?

Me: No. Pizza.

I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.

My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.

Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.

[shows her my bedroom]

And this is where the magic happens…

[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: I got stabbed!!!

Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?

Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.

Act now and we will double your order of crap!

Infomercials

ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.

Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?

“What? Why?”

It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..

“It’s OUR wedding!”

*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*

Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving

Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band

I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.

The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van

*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!

Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.

After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.