Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—

Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide

mom: why is your room always so messy

me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die

If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.

“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”

-person who invented hand dryers

My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.

Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.

“I’m leaving you”

“why?”

“Your jokes are old and tiresome”

“but, I can updog”

“What’s updog?”

“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”

*slams door*

I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.

you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker

Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.

*child becomes teenager*

Me: is it too late to rethink having children

One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.

The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.

Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.

WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey

Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday

My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.

My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”

My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead

If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not

– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg

Two rotisserie chickens.

One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.

Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-

Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door

Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol

Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.

[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?

Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.

I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.

Doctor: Describe your headache.

Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.

One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.