Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.

*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*

“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”

If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.

“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”

– my best friend and the whitest man I know

Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.

Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: I usually stay pretty still.

She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.

me: i can’t believe you cheated on me

him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.

I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75

Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon

Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg

taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals

I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info

My friend is an excellent librarian.

I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive

I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…

Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.

Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?

First base: drinks

Second base: hooking up

Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication

I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.

This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭

[dinner at my parents’]

my gf: thank you for having me

me: they’re not your parents weirdo

this is how life feels

Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in

The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.

Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.

Me: Whew! Thank goodness.

Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.

Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.

Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.