Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*

me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*

[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been

8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this

My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.

“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it

“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.

Take my advice, I’m not using it.

me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby

him: mom I’m 35 years old

WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.

THERAPIST: is this true?

ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it

My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.

Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”

Me: “yes”

In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”

Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York

My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags

I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?

That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.

Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you

Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow

I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.

Especially from you-know-who.

Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)

My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.

#SuperBowl

For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.

Therapist: So why are you guys here?

Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.

Him: This is our first date?