Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Jurassic park gets weird
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
