Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
the best thing i’ve ever made
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
