Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.

[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail

I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.

you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway

I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE

A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.

“I’m Bond. James Bond”.

Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.

I’m Evil. Ken Evil.

[speeds cycle up ramp]

[jumps 8 cars & a bus]

me: where’s the milk?

supermarket clerk: by the eggs

me: no i just want milk

Halloween costumes

Age 10: monster

Age 25: sexy fireman

Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups

The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.

“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”

“There are four of us.”

“You heard me.”

*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.

Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”

I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

Me: i have one pretty serious symptom

WebMD: that you know of

Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.

SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.

When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement

PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.

If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.

a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”

Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.

Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?

Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?

You tell ppl you not tryna drink and they act like you just turned down 100k

yo LA chill out with your restaurant names

Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.

Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”