Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.

I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.

Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.

Cats (2019)

ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no

me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep

If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?

robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference

boss: you’re six hours late

Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene

Me: how??

[Earlier]

Me: better floss before drowning this guy

If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.

Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face

(Family Reunion)

Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?

Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.

Me: Any chance we can remove him again?

They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?

If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.

People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know

Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”

People: wait no, why are you like that

Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.

Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know

I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.

“You’re saying it’s all an act?

Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.

I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.

Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.

Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”

Tech support: What seems to be the problem?

Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!

TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.

What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?

I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.

I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.

Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”

Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.

You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.

This pepper has seen some shit

10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?

Me: Well, son …

[to be continued]