Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth

I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.

People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.

ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend

If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.

[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”

i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced

Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.

Why is peter pan always flying?

He neverlands.

I like this joke because it never grows old.

*professes my undying love to my microwave*

*microwave sets itself on fire*

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.

I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”

I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.

Sociophobia is the fear of friends.

Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton

Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-

Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity

Professor X: welcome aboard

If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.

7yo: Do you use glue to make slime?

Me: Yeah, there’s glue in slime.

*7yo walks off*

Me: *a few minutes later* Wait!

I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.

I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions

Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.

[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw

mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm

mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm

me: oh stephanie you’re better than this

idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.

Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh

*Bar fight*

Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.

Me: Ok.

*friend tackles guy at waist*

*me, singing falsetto*

Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to

They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now