Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where did you come from, where did you go?

Where did you come from

There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.

Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”

thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation

I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.

Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .

You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.

lost dog

Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.

Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.

I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.

Me: What are you doing?

4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.

How many vultures circling you is good luck?

My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.

INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.

TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?

My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*

Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”

you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken

Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover

Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲

3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑

[first day as a negotiator]

me: ok