Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎

I’d hire this kid in 10 years.

stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80

me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80

“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”

Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.

[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together

How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?

A tractor.

Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:

1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium

[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey

*stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*

10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.

Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.

Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.

When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.

I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.

Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.

Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things

*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*

ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?

Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing

the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.

[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.

-poor

#WhenIMisspelled ya know.

If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot

You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.

I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids

Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.

Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.

INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?

ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.

The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.

Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.