@Awk0Tacoo

Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.

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@NicestHippo

It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency

@jjax44

I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

@Bandersnaaatch

When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.

@squirrel74wkgn

You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.

@JaIenSkutt

good morning to everyone except grandpa joe who sat in bed for 20 years and allowed his family to wallow in poverty but hopped up like a mf to go to a candy factory

@lloydrang

1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”

@Gupton68

I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.

@fuqtarded

On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.

@KKAlThani

My biggest fear is laughing at a joke I didn’t understand and someone asks me to explain it to them.