Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.

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It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency


I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.


When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.


You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.


good morning to everyone except grandpa joe who sat in bed for 20 years and allowed his family to wallow in poverty but hopped up like a mf to go to a candy factory


1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”


I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.


On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.


My biggest fear is laughing at a joke I didn’t understand and someone asks me to explain it to them.