*gets saltwater fish tank
*fills it with plastic bags, soda bottles and garbage
staring intently from couch: Ahhhhh, the ocean
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
You Might Also Like
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Me: 6 tacos, please.
Him: This is an ice cream truck.
Me: 6 tacos & a swirl cone.
Him: We don’t serve tacos.
Me: Your taco truck is broken.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
me: hey bud, guess what?
me: I love you
4: not now I’m busy
My english teacher was a fan of CAPITAL punishment. She despised small letters