@Awk0Tacoo

Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.

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@BrownDogBlanket

*gets saltwater fish tank

*fills it with plastic bags, soda bottles and garbage

staring intently from couch: Ahhhhh, the ocean

@jonnysun

my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy

@cheeky__gal

The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.

@xLiserx

Me: 6 tacos, please.
Him: This is an ice cream truck.
Me: 6 tacos & a swirl cone.
Him: We don’t serve tacos.
Me: Your taco truck is broken.

@bathflyer

My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..

@tracietom

My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison

@rockymomax

“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”

@kaL12578

me: hey bud, guess what?

4: what

me: I love you

4: not now I’m busy

@Kirangandhi

My english teacher was a fan of CAPITAL punishment. She despised small letters