Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
ME (calling my horse with no name):
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Oh. My. God.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me
