Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.

Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998

Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.

when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1

My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips

There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.

Strange

і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches

Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.

It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.

PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!

MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.

Me: That’s pretty sus

12yo: Never say that again

Me: Why?

12yo: It sounded weird when you said it

Me:

12yo:

Me: Your rules are sus

If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.

is he marrying that labradoodle

them: are you talking to anyone?

me: yes, myself. i think we’re really hitting it off

You do you.

I’m gonna do me.

*married sex

Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?

Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location

Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.

ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]

My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.

Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink

Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.

doctor: your system is full of drugs

patient: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

patient: you can’t see him

What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?

Why does laundry happen to good people?

Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”