Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
I now identify as an avocado.
I’m “good fat”.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
