Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Teach your children to beatbox
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
