Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.

Curious…

My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date

Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman

Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.

A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”

Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.

Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you

Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.

The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.

Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“

urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there

*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?

*receives text from wife

“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high

“My safe word was Worcestershire.”

— A ghost

TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.

I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.

Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.

I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.

[job interview]

BOSS: biggest weakness?

ME: I never know when to quit

BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired

ME: I quit

Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot

I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.

This is funnier than it should be. 😂

Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.

I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.