Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
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Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
there has never been a better use of this meme
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤