Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
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Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Every work meeting this week
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.