Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
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I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones