Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’m here for toilet pap–

COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS

ME: But I…

COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS

ME: I just nee–

COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI

ME: *spends $472*

Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime

20s wristband:
After hours club.

50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.

yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps

It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.

I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.

“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook

He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.

doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood

Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.

Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*

#oldknees

I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.

ME: *posing nude for a painter*

GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.

5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.

me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today

platter of various cheeses:

A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.

It was a tragic accident.

Gone too soon.

My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.

[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”

Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.

is it too early for christmas memes

Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”

Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.

Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM

Obama: Please just wave.

Biden:

Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.

After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.

Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.

I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.

And now we wait…

My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days

*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*

*starts adding ice to my wine*