Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
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A collection of me turning into random objects.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.