Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
You Might Also Like
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.