Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat

My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.

Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?

Him: I’m right here!

Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y

Him: That’s not what I said

Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G

I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.

Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!

Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?

I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.

when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap

I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.

What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?

a pool table.

I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.

The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff

Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.

It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department

[Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?

Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.

*Gets dressed.

When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating

Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”

When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.

Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel

left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it

Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.

Me: I told him he would look good in it.

Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter

I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.

What do you do when your nose goes on strike???

You picket…

I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.

I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.

Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?