Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.

Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.

Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.

My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.

Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

ME: *falls off the wagon*

THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.

My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?

Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon

Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while

Obama:

Me: like we all know who he is, but

Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™

Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for

“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”

– my voicemail message

A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.

Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.

Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.

[first day as a surgeon]

me: do you have any questions?

patient: how often do people die during this surgery?

me: just once

Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.

FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom

[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seek

me: nice to meet you

voice from behind the photocopier: you too

Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.

It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.

“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old

Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories

Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?

Me: Not really, I’m stuffed

Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check

Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.

[first date]

ME: so where are you from?

HER: I’m Finnish

ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]

HER: wtf?

“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together

Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.