Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
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i guess his teacher was really pissed
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Do not levitate over flowers
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.
What was the main bloke called in Harry Potter
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.