Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
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me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
i just found this in my phone
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season