Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
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Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
that de-escalated quickly
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”