Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
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Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
going to bed
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.
also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
That’s no pocket rocket.
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”