Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.

Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive

To all newly married guys…..

If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.

Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?

(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)

Me: I have shin splints

You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them

The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over

Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.

There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan

What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?

[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?

why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with

Science memes

My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills

The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way

Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.

[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?

Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?

Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer

Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick

For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.

A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.

Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.

EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you

EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast

EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off

My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.

Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?

Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?

So they could…..Scan da Navy in!

Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”

“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”

can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this

Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.

I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.