Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??![]()
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If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
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[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
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[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
79.
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Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”