Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.

But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.

[Burping a baby]

Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”

Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive

For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective

Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.

If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did

Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies

Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet

Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.

*a horse walks into a china shop

“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“

[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]

Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.

I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.

If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.

Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’

I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.

You get to choose which path you take.

I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.

jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home

there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing

-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale

Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.

Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?

Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.

Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?

Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.

Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice

Labreador

The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.

Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.

A fly swatter, but for close talkers.

me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare

principal: where’s your pants?