Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why he move like a hotel transylvania character

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.

If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.

Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.

Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?

I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…

But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.

I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions

Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands

Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either

[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]

Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.

The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.

It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.

Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?

“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies

I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too

Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.

Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.

In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.

[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.

“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well

daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?

“I dunno, time travel”

time travel isn’t real

“neither is Santa, go to bed”

My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.

I think about this often.

Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”

He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.

the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”

Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.

If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.