Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[reverse psychology]

me: tell me about your childhood

therapist: *crying* where do I begin?

DARTH VADER: I am your father

LUKE: Buy me some jeans then

DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this

If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.

You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.

*pulls up to window*

Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*

[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]

“what are you doing inside my house?”

A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.

“This was a better idea on papyrus”

If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.

It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.

Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.

Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”

Old friend: I barely recognize you.

“That’s the look I was going for. “

I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.

Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”

Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.

Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.

Torturer: just tell me what I need know

Me: NEVER

Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*

Me: OKAY I’ll talk

When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back

I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.

After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.

[visiting America]

Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?

America: sure is

Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch

America: lmao nope

me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*

As a man you should NEVER watch your woman struggle to pay bills.

Dump her and find one with some money

It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.

Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.

[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!

I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.

If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.

I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious

Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.

Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby

Her: Head held high

Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby

There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.